It is not ground-breaking to observe that online dating has become increasingly popular in the past five years or so. Given that the average age at first marriage is 28 for men and 26 for women in a 2009 survey, more and more people find themselves single late into their twenties and early thirties. In fact, a recent study by the University of Rochester reported that online dating is now the second most likely way to meet one’s spouse (behind meeting through a friend). Why? After a certain point, wading through thousands of The Single Catholic Girl’s Tips on Dating and How to Stay Sane While Single in Your Twenties, putting up with yet another blind date from a well-meaning friend, and coming home to an empty apartment after work, all you can do to is throw up your hands, buy a cute puppy to dote on and lock up for business.
So, how are you supposed to be single and sane? Is online dating a last resort, or is there some legitimacy to developing emotional intimacy online without creating a profile out of sheer hopelessness?
For reference, I am a (naïve) twenty-something, and have been on two dates through the common dating site, Catholic Match. One was in his late twenties, and the other mid-thirties. Both dates were, well, uninspiring. From what I could gather in a few hours at a basketball game or dinner, both men had solid principles yet solicited the general response of, “He was nice, but. . . .” How could this have possibly happened, given their attractive, sparkling, intriguing online profiles?
The simple answer is this: the internet warps both your identity and time. You can spend hours crafting a well-thought out and witty email that somehow conveys your playful nature yet commitment to the life of the mind, your deep faith yet interest in the small things of daily life, and that the fact that you love Beethoven doesn’t prevent you from jamming to David Guetta in the car with the windows rolled down. Face-to-face, you are forced to be more authentic – and rightfully so. As a dear friend once told me, you can’t white-out the parts you don’t like about yourself, and bold-face your strengths -- almost like a potter re-shaping clay to produce a beautiful work of art. There are the awkward pauses, unwitting food-in-your-teeth snafus, and half-hearted refusals for him to pay for dinner as a traditional formality (and judgments if he actually makes you pay). That’s life: it’s messy and full of savory moments.
To use a current buzzword, relationships should be “organic.” They should develop bottom-up as each of you slowly but surely come to know one another, and make memories together so you can fondly say, “Remember that time when we. . . .” Anyone can have fun on a Friday night -- it’s intriguing and thrilling -- but it’s going to Mass and brunch together on Sunday morning that make or break a relationship. You’ll have unsure moments, of course, but it makes the ride much more exciting and fulfilling.
Love is grace: neither is offered to us freeze-dried. The instant, microwaveable, buy-now-pay-later convenience that modernity has accustomed us to simply cannot cross over into our expectations of relationships, or faith for that matter. Struggling with the call to assimilate daily to Christ requires perseverance, hope, and humility, difficult virtues to acquire. Similarly, if you find yourself disappointed with your relationships, having trouble finding Mr. Darcy -- whether online, through a friend, or at Mass -- don’t be discouraged and lose faith that he will find you. (Although, it’s always good to remind ourselves that Mr. Darcy is a fictional character!) The frustrating part is that it is not on our time but on God’s, and it behooves us to remember the Marian fiat: “Lord, let it be done to me according to Thy word.” These simple, humbling words strike at the very heart of human pride and impatience. Even if we occasionally fall or succumb to temptation from time to time, it’s all part of being imperfect creatures, albeit lovingly fashioned by our Creator in His image. So you fail: welcome to the human race. As Samuel Beckett once quipped, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”
As a final note, I can’t help thinking of a striking Lenten reflection in college by Msgr. Michael Heintz that profoundly changed the way I view relationships and the intense call to be Catholic in a secular, topsy-turvy world that assaults faith at every opportunity. The author writes, “Slow progress over time is what we should be looking for. . . . And so if you're struggling, don't lose heart and don't give up. . . . [A]s Thomas Aquinas is said to have taught, ‘it is far better to limp along the right road than to run headlong down the wrong one.’” “Limping towards God,” limping as you love, limping as you search for Truth – these are the journeys worth sticking to with dedication and heart.
Love is unlikely to be found deliberately or as a result of your hard work. There are, of course, the occasional stories of Catholic Match marriages, of love affairs that bloom online, but more often than not, your experience with virtual love will stick to the rule, not the exception. Love will come in its own time, regardless of how much you may want it. (Sorry, girls.) To paraphrase my father, the way to accept that harsh truth without completely abandoning hope of a happy marriage is summed up in this simple equation: Happiness = Reality - Expectations. This is not to imply low standards or expectations, but merely urges us to recall that we are all imperfectly yet earnestly trying to live life trying to find Truth and happiness in the hope for heaven in the life to come.
Don’t lose heart, and keep trying – with patience and faith, you’ll find him. Whether in a chatroom discussing the Star of the Sea or at a party where you both reach for the Chex Mix, he’ll one day be there. And if you’re really lucky, he will come to cherish, love, and better you that you may fulfill your inner potential to follow Him and become a saint.
Octavia Ratiu is a recent graduate from the University of Notre Dame. She is the Assistant Director of Operations at The Witherspoon Institute in Princeton, NJ. She can either be found on Catholic Match or out meeting new interesting people in the real world. Contact Octavia at [email protected].
So, how are you supposed to be single and sane? Is online dating a last resort, or is there some legitimacy to developing emotional intimacy online without creating a profile out of sheer hopelessness?
For reference, I am a (naïve) twenty-something, and have been on two dates through the common dating site, Catholic Match. One was in his late twenties, and the other mid-thirties. Both dates were, well, uninspiring. From what I could gather in a few hours at a basketball game or dinner, both men had solid principles yet solicited the general response of, “He was nice, but. . . .” How could this have possibly happened, given their attractive, sparkling, intriguing online profiles?
The simple answer is this: the internet warps both your identity and time. You can spend hours crafting a well-thought out and witty email that somehow conveys your playful nature yet commitment to the life of the mind, your deep faith yet interest in the small things of daily life, and that the fact that you love Beethoven doesn’t prevent you from jamming to David Guetta in the car with the windows rolled down. Face-to-face, you are forced to be more authentic – and rightfully so. As a dear friend once told me, you can’t white-out the parts you don’t like about yourself, and bold-face your strengths -- almost like a potter re-shaping clay to produce a beautiful work of art. There are the awkward pauses, unwitting food-in-your-teeth snafus, and half-hearted refusals for him to pay for dinner as a traditional formality (and judgments if he actually makes you pay). That’s life: it’s messy and full of savory moments.
To use a current buzzword, relationships should be “organic.” They should develop bottom-up as each of you slowly but surely come to know one another, and make memories together so you can fondly say, “Remember that time when we. . . .” Anyone can have fun on a Friday night -- it’s intriguing and thrilling -- but it’s going to Mass and brunch together on Sunday morning that make or break a relationship. You’ll have unsure moments, of course, but it makes the ride much more exciting and fulfilling.
Love is grace: neither is offered to us freeze-dried. The instant, microwaveable, buy-now-pay-later convenience that modernity has accustomed us to simply cannot cross over into our expectations of relationships, or faith for that matter. Struggling with the call to assimilate daily to Christ requires perseverance, hope, and humility, difficult virtues to acquire. Similarly, if you find yourself disappointed with your relationships, having trouble finding Mr. Darcy -- whether online, through a friend, or at Mass -- don’t be discouraged and lose faith that he will find you. (Although, it’s always good to remind ourselves that Mr. Darcy is a fictional character!) The frustrating part is that it is not on our time but on God’s, and it behooves us to remember the Marian fiat: “Lord, let it be done to me according to Thy word.” These simple, humbling words strike at the very heart of human pride and impatience. Even if we occasionally fall or succumb to temptation from time to time, it’s all part of being imperfect creatures, albeit lovingly fashioned by our Creator in His image. So you fail: welcome to the human race. As Samuel Beckett once quipped, “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try Again. Fail again. Fail better.”
As a final note, I can’t help thinking of a striking Lenten reflection in college by Msgr. Michael Heintz that profoundly changed the way I view relationships and the intense call to be Catholic in a secular, topsy-turvy world that assaults faith at every opportunity. The author writes, “Slow progress over time is what we should be looking for. . . . And so if you're struggling, don't lose heart and don't give up. . . . [A]s Thomas Aquinas is said to have taught, ‘it is far better to limp along the right road than to run headlong down the wrong one.’” “Limping towards God,” limping as you love, limping as you search for Truth – these are the journeys worth sticking to with dedication and heart.
Love is unlikely to be found deliberately or as a result of your hard work. There are, of course, the occasional stories of Catholic Match marriages, of love affairs that bloom online, but more often than not, your experience with virtual love will stick to the rule, not the exception. Love will come in its own time, regardless of how much you may want it. (Sorry, girls.) To paraphrase my father, the way to accept that harsh truth without completely abandoning hope of a happy marriage is summed up in this simple equation: Happiness = Reality - Expectations. This is not to imply low standards or expectations, but merely urges us to recall that we are all imperfectly yet earnestly trying to live life trying to find Truth and happiness in the hope for heaven in the life to come.
Don’t lose heart, and keep trying – with patience and faith, you’ll find him. Whether in a chatroom discussing the Star of the Sea or at a party where you both reach for the Chex Mix, he’ll one day be there. And if you’re really lucky, he will come to cherish, love, and better you that you may fulfill your inner potential to follow Him and become a saint.
Octavia Ratiu is a recent graduate from the University of Notre Dame. She is the Assistant Director of Operations at The Witherspoon Institute in Princeton, NJ. She can either be found on Catholic Match or out meeting new interesting people in the real world. Contact Octavia at [email protected].
RSS Feed